A Parent’s Guide to Talking with Kids About Gender

A Convoluted Term

We have a very close family friend named Allie.¹ Allie does not “fit the profile” of every feminine stereotype. She’s physically tougher than most women we know (and perhaps, a lot of men). She has tattoos. She has a physically demanding job where she builds furniture. She’s just as comfortable in shorts and a T-shirt as she is in a dress. She knows she projects a “masculine vibe” by our culture’s standards.

At the same time, Allie is a Christian and knows she’s a woman. In no sense is she trying to communicate ambiguity in how she presents herself. Furthermore, she also enjoys activities that are associated with femininity. When she dresses nicely for a wedding or night out with friends, she looks very feminine. She can rock a pair of high heels better than any other woman we know.

The world doesn’t know what to do with Allie because she does not fit into all the neat little boxes that culture puts “gender” into. But just because Allie doesn’t conform to every gender stereotype does not make her any less of a woman. Similarly, I (Andrew) don’t enjoy a lot of activities associated with typical masculinity in our culture. I am not a big sports fan. I don’t like to hunt. You could not pay me to do jujitsu, despite many friends in my church inviting me. I love to sing. I like musicals. But I do like JEEP Wranglers. Are sports and vehicles the essence of what it means to be a man? What if a woman really likes football (like our friend Paige)?

Our culture gets gender both right and wrong. Our culture is correct to observe that there are general actions, tendencies, and appearances for males and females, but a failure to conform to every action and every appearance associated with a gender stereotype does not mean that one is evading gender altogether. The solution is neither rigid stereotyping, gender fluidity, nor the total suppression of gender.

No word has greater confusion around it than the word “gender” does in our culture. “Gender reveal parties,” “same-gender marriage,” “gender is socially constructed,” or “gender exists on a spectrum” are all examples of how “gender” gets used in our culture, and these are only a few of the ways. Given its usage, “gender” can mean anything anyone wants it to mean. It’s a term that individuals pour into what they want.

Biblical Principles

Here are some basic biblical, theological, and philosophical truths every parent should know related to gender:

• The Bible’s portrayal of gender expression is rooted in one’s biological sex.
• Gender is predominantly an embodied reality before it is a cultural reality.
• Human bodies are organized according to their reproductive potential.
• Equality of the sexes does not mean sameness as to roles or abilities.
• Male and female are not cultural constructs but are embedded realities knit into the creation order.
• Defining male and female identity apart from biology leads to an inability to concretely identify male and female.
• Male and female embodiment influences social roles and behaviors.
• It is wrong for men and women to view gender expression as totally arbitrary since Scripture does positively teach Christians to abide by gender norms that are determined by cultural context.
• The design of the body is like a moral map that tells us how to use our bodies properly.
• It is okay if every male does not live up to every male stereotype. The same is true of females.

A Conversation Guide

Because we believe the home is central to the development of the next Christian generation, we call our sequence of conversational instruction “floors” that correspond to a home. Below you’ll see three “floors” of biblical truths and conversation starters. Instead of having strict age guidelines, we use “floors” to help guide you to determine where your child may best fit based on development, maturity, and age.

First-floor children are probably between the ages of four and eight, second-floor children are probably between the ages of eight and twelve, and third-floor children are probably between twelve and sixteen. If you think your child is ready for a more mature conversation, then move up to the next floor. If you think your child is not ready for a conversation, then move down to the floor below. The floors are not rigid and are intended to guide you in discussing the topics thoroughly as your child grows and help you to keep ahead of culture.

Remember that you want to be the first person to have the conversation with your child to be able to lay the biblical foundation. Otherwise, culture will form the foundation for you. Stay vigilant and keep ahead of culture.

The First Floor

Biblical Truths

• God created all people boys and girls (male and female) (Gen. 1:26–28).
• God loves boys and girls exactly the same.
• We cannot change the things that make us a boy or a girl.
• Usually, there are “boy” things and “girl” things: boys like to play with trucks and trains while girls like to play with dolls and kitchens. It is good to be a boy and play with boy things. It is good to be a girl and play with girl things. But if you’re a boy who likes to play with kitchens, that does not make you a girl. And if you’re a girl who likes to play with trucks, that does not make you a boy.
• We can grow up to be anything we want (a doctor, a teacher, a plumber), but we will never be able to change from a man into a woman or a woman into a man.

Conversation Starters

• Who created all people?
• What kind of people did God create?
• Does God love boys and girls the same?
• Can you change the things that make you a boy or girl?
• What happens if you like playing with a “boy” thing or a “girl” thing?
• What can you grow up to be? Can you choose to become either a man or a woman?

The Second Floor

Biblical Truths

• God created all people either male or female (Gen. 1:26–28).
• God gave males and females different, specific jobs: our physical bodies are designed differently for the purpose of having children.
• God loves males and females equally, but he gives us separate roles and abilities: males (fathers) are typically strong and protective, while females (mothers) are typically caring and nurturing.
• We cannot change our maleness or femaleness.
• Cultures often define what is appropriate for “boys” and “girls” to do or play. In our culture, we see boys do things like play sports, hunt, and build things. We see girls do things like dance, perform in the theater, and cook. It is good for us to follow the appropriate pathways that our culture considers “masculine” and “feminine” as they help us see how boys and girls are different. But sometimes, a boy may like to cook or dance, and a girl may like to hunt or build furniture. Doing something that the culture deems only appropriate for the opposite gender does not make you less of a “boy” or a “girl.” Even if you like “boy” things or “girl” things, you cannot, and will never be able to, change your God-given maleness or femaleness assigned to you at conception.

Conversation Starters

• How many kinds of people did God create? Who are they?
• What specific jobs did God give males and females? How are they different from one another?
• How did God create males and females equally? Separately?
• Why can we not change our maleness and femaleness?
• What does it mean to like “boy” things or “girl” things? Why does that still not change our maleness and femaleness? Have you ever thought about wanting to change your maleness or femaleness?

The Third Floor

Biblical Truths

• God created male and female and assigned male and female at conception (Gen. 1:26–28).
• Males and females are identified by unique bodily characteristics designed purposefully for reproduction and earthly dominion (Gen. 1:28).
• Following biblical sexuality is recognizing that the male and female bodies are designed in reciprocal and complementary ways. Proper actions are natural and honoring to God. Improper actions of the body are immoral.
• While God sees males and females as equal in worth and dignity, he gives us unique gifts that we demonstrate in masculine and feminine ways: males (fathers) are typically strong and protective, while females (mothers) are typically more caring and nurturing.
• Gender is rooted in biological sex. You are first and foremost male or female because of your body. You show the world your maleness or femaleness through your gender norms.
• Cultures guide what is appropriate for males and females. It is good for us to follow these cultural gender norms, as they maintain differences between genders. But failure to adhere to all of a culture’s gender norms does not change your maleness or femaleness. It is okay if you do not fit every cultural stereotype of your gender. You are not any less male or female. You are a male or female because of your body. You are not a male or female strictly because of your culture’s gender norms or your feelings.
• Male and female are not cultural constructs that can become fluid or be changed. Being male or female is embedded in realities knit into the creation order.

Conversation Starters

• How does God assign and differentiate male and female? What is God’s command to us? How are our bodies an important part of that command?
• What is biblical sexuality? Why is it important to have a firm understanding of true biblical sexuality? Where does the moral and immoral conversation fit? Have you encountered this conversation with friends?
• What is the same and different about males and females? Have you seen this true in your father and mother? Any other examples?
• What do you think it means for male and female to be equal in worth and dignity but separate in function? Why is that an important distinction?
• Why does each culture drive the actions, tendencies, and appearances for the males and females in that place and time of history? What stereotypes have you seen? Do you feel the pressure to live up to any particular stereotypes? Do you have friends caught in this right now? How can you help them see the truth?
• Culture today tells us that you can be anyone you want to be any day or time you decide, that gender is fluid and can be changed. What do you think about that? Have you ever struggled with your maleness or femaleness? Do you have any friends who are struggling with their maleness or femaleness right now? How can you talk with friends about being male and female as part of the way the world naturally works, even if they don’t believe in God? How can we (your parents) help you? How can we (your parents) help your friends?